how am i supose to deal?

August 18, 2008 - 5:17pm by naominel3

so i became interested in being a PSO member because i (along with many others) have gone though some tough stuff in my life, past and present. i often rant about the school system and the foster care system and the WASL, and i don't like poverty and homelessness as much as the next person. i really want to make a difference, i want to stay involved but i'm getting beat down and i don't seam to be able to keep my head above water. my family is moving around my foster family has there own speed bumps that i'm doing what i can as a foster kid to help iron out those bumps. i have a lot to look forward to, people often tell me how proud of me they are of me. and i get this floaty feeling when i hear it because i know that it is true. but, within the last few weeks well the last month now i am so tired! of everything! i want to keep going but i'm crawling on my hands and knees trying to juggle senor photo stuff and visiting colleges and helping the family and doing homework for high school. and much more. i'm trying to fit all of this plus i feel like i am missing out on the summer. the worst part about all of this is my brother. not that i'm trying to give you a big sob story, but my brother my one and only hero moved to Illinois to start his career before even going to college and ended up in prison in 2000. i haven't seen him since Aug. 2000. he had gotten out of prison and on probation and his probation was going to be lifted the end of july. him being the stupid brother he is made some bad choices and is now locked up again. august of 2009 will be exactly one half of my life where i haven't seen my brother.

the part where i don't know how to deal, is that with me doing all of these wonderful things in my life and him behind bars how can i even tell him how i am doing? im doing all of this really cool community activism and he is suppose to be visiting me this week. he is suppose to go to my graduation this coming June. he is suppose to see me turn 18 and watch me go to college. he is a father to me and im broken. how does any one expect me to do wonderfully and create change and help push forward toward a "fixed" community when im extremely broken and breaking even more as the days pass with out my brother. how am i suppose to deal, let alone focus. ~NaNa